I was born in
Biloxi Mississippi in 1933 and moved with my parents to Englewood Florida at
age three and have since lived in Homestead, Stuart, Jackson and Natchez
Mississippi, Gainesville, and now Ormond Beach for the past year and a half
with my son Saint Michael[1].
Although I am 36
years sober, I am not serene every day. So, I go to meetings daily. I was active in Gainesville AA but only
entered Alcoholics Anonymous because I was told to go to daily meetings or
else. My mentor, Roger Goetz, told me to go to daily meetings. He was the head
of Physicians Recovery Network for Florida. He died shortly thereafter after,
so I was never given permission to stop going to daily meetings.
I did not think of myself as a low-bottom
alcoholic and therefore, through faulty reasoning remained on the sidelines for
far too many years. To this day I firmly believe that the average man in the
street understands alcoholism far better than the average psychiatrist. Most
psychiatrists avoid the issue of personality, but AA directly recognizes
character defects and sets out to remedy our core self through reaching to a Higher
Power.
The turning point in my life was a
combination of a colleague, Doug Gamble and several patients who entered our
psychiatric practice in Gainesville who came to therapy groups with deep
understanding of person to person spiritual relationship. They had a deep
feeling for a higher power and they came to us from Alcoholics Anonymous. Doug
held fast to AA even through unsuccessful treatment for lung cancer.
I began to
wake up.
The person who
had the most profound effect on my spiritual path was Dorothy who had many
years sobriety. Because of dementia and COPD members of the Gainesville Group
would visit her, because she was homebound, often over a period of several
years. She was brought to a final meeting at the Eyeopener Group, and talked
about her spiritual state and the peace she felt.
So, in her
final meeting, three weeks before she passed, she gave comfort and faith to
us. Few atheist, I suppose, could have
done that. God was within her, and we could feel it even though she had no idea
of what day it was.
In the usual
psychiatric practice, the very ill are separated from those who are less so.
But in AA the most severely ill are brought close to the group and healing
happens through God’s grace and the spiritual presence of each other.
While the nation
has floundered and spent billions with its war on drugs, during my years AA
has quietly absorbed those with drug problems because AA, through countless
group conscience meetings, realized that drug addicts weave in and out of
alcohol throughout their lifetime.
Though I have
spent countless hours in church including Catholic, Presbyterian, and Unitarian
I have felt renewed spiritually in AA much more than in most churches. I know
of priests and ministers who have found AA and usually they are not awarded the
princely congregations.
Perhaps, everything is working out. As we meet today there are many small
churches that are kept alive through money from AA rentals. What a curious
blessing.
During the ten year
period that I was working in crisis stabilization in Florida State Prison and Union
Correctional Institution (Raiford), my Gainesville AA group continued to minister
physically to Dorothy as she spiritually ministered to them. Shortly after I
began work at FSP, I had a heart attack and was dealt a triple bypass.
When I returned
to work, the inmates I was supposed to be treating would offer me spiritual
comfort. So these black guys who had been in solitary confinement for years and
years, brought me out of self-pity without wanting any credit or special favor.
Why? In my humble opinion, there is an
unseen and sacred force among most black folks. They lead into a conversation
with their heart, in contrast to most white folks who lead into a conversation with
their mind
In the classroom in the sixth grade I
followed the leader. Jimmy was bright, confident and I looked to him for
courage. But I identified with the kids in the back of the class who were just hiding
out. Today I identify with newcomers and those who are struggling with relapse
feelings. My choice is to remain sober
and feel the strength of the circle here in this room and out there in the
circle of life.
In this
morning’s AA meeting there was another birthday celebration. I will have to
digress a bit with a story. I believed that I had to leave general practice in
Mississippi even though my wife and children were deeply rooted in Natchez. It
was a struggle to pry them loose from the friendly ground of Mississippi, but
we finally came to Gainesville. I could not even mention my own loss to the
family because it was my idea to come to Hotel Florida where no one seemed
loving. Since the tenth grade I had wanted to become a psychiatrist and could
no longer hold the urge back. We finally all found friends and became
Floridians. To this day I miss Mississippi.
I was never
really certain of what I missed about Mississippi and Natchez. Even though I
was born in Biloxi I did not miss that town. When I came to Ormond Beach about
a year and a half ago I would usually get a hug from a black woman who was not
even from Mississippi. But the hug had the warmth of love. I was raised by a black
woman as my mother returned to work when I was two weeks old. My children were
raised by a black woman who lived-in five nights a week. My medical practice
was organized by a black woman on a minute by minute basis for 10 years. We
were not always kissed by our black nannies, but we were always given a strong
hug of love; and I felt it deeply.
Only love
makes prejudice go way.
